OPINION: I may be a leg man but I don’t fancy spiders

PUBLISHED: 10:00 03 September 2017


I, like many people around here, have been the victim of a scary home invasion.

Not one when you can call for the help of the emergency services. One where people express more concern for the invader than the invadee.

I arrived home to find a massive spider had come into my home.

It’s happening a lot. One news story I read said the recent rain had made the spiders think it was autumn and triggered premature mating. I’m not sure what that means, it’s not like the spiders needed to focus on their GCSEs first.

It was after I’d been out performing at a stand-up comedy club. I turned there lights on and there it was, like a novelty decoration for Halloween.

The spiders are really big this year. If we made wine from them 2017 would be a great vintage. I took a picture to share on my Twitter account but they didn’t capture how big this thing was. I was going to put a 50p piece next to it for scale but I was worried the spider would spend it.

Someone tweeted, “Don’t hurt it. It’s looking for a mate”. That’s the quickest way to get hurt.

It came into my home to mate? I wasn’t interested. I may be a leg man but I didn’t fancy it. Plus it may have been one of those spiders that eats the male after.

At three inches long it’s too big to have running round your house. I know they eat flies but I don’t have three-inch long flies making my skin crawl.

But at three inches long it was too big to fit under any glasses I had. So I did the only thing I could do. I have labelled all the food in the fridge and asked him to chip in with the rent.

• Tune into Steve’s Friday show on Time 107.5 FM.

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