A look at issues of today: The key to world’s smallest crime scene

PUBLISHED: 12:00 14 April 2018


The best local story has to be the one about the postboxes. You may have seen them taped up looking like they have been gagged so that inside the red box is the world’s smallest crime scene.

Some around Hainault and Barkingside were sealed off because Royal Mail had lost the keys.

It would have been better if this happened a few months ago so I had a good excuse for the deficit of Valentine’s cards.

I can’t criticise Royal Mail because I did a similar thing earlier this year. I managed to lock myself out of where I live. I took the wrong keys with me, shut the door behind me and heard it click.

It wasn’t till later that day I felt in my pocket a different keyring to the one I’m used to feeling in there. I was very much not pleased to see it.

Keys are so integral that the moment you realise you have lost them it’s one of the purest panics. The brain goes into overdrive and you start to plan.

“Did I leave any windows open?”

“Is there another way in?”

“Can I remember enough of my northern roots to be able to break in somewhere?”

All of those questions failed to provide me with an answer. While I was imagining something from a film involving me wearing all black, rappelling down the side of my building and somehow using a diamond-tipped glass cutter, I actually solved the problem by calling my cleaner and asking for her set of keys.

It turns out I am far less dynamic than I had hoped.

The Royal Mail have an even duller solution. A spokeswoman said: “New keys are on order.”

Let’s hope they’re not made locally and being sent in the post or this could go on for a while.

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